My Brain On Utah

Have you ever felt secluded from your own thoughts? Like you put a fence around your conscious mind and forgot that 90% of your existence takes place inside the parallel universe of your brain. I did.  It hit me like Justin Bieber got hit by a water bottle ( Oddly enough I was three beers deep in a tube on Bear Lake, UT.  I’m chalking it up to the most random epiphany I’ve ever experienced. The thought was simple….”Where have I been?” I suddenly realized I had neglected to have inner thoughts, to sustain my mind, to cognitively converse with myself.

Bear Lake, UT/ID

I’ve been a little estranged from normality since my relocation to Utah.  I guess I’m just so used to a routine.  The majority of my life has been associated with school, and with school comes schedules and routines.  Until now I’ve lived a structured life.  My new job does new schedules all the time, I’m constantly working new hours every week and consequently I have zero routine.  Truthfully, I have no idea how this new lack of routine affects who I am, but I just don’t feel the same here.  It wasn’t until my tipsy mind came back to me on Bear Lake that I realized why I’ve been feeling different. I wasn’t thinking.

I’m not sure how everyone else’s mind works, I’ve never been in one other than my own.  But inside mine, is myself.  I’ve always analyzed things with intense thought.  People’s actions, people’s words, my own words, everything around me.  I have conversations with myself about the happenings of the world outside.  It’s always kept me sane, or maybe insane?  It’s allowed me to become, at least I think, a very perceptive person.  Some of my best friends can tell you that I usually have an uncanny ability of understanding someone’s problem before they even realize they have a problem.  Or I have a way of getting into someone’s head and seeing how they’re feeling before they even say it.  One of my favorites is showing someone their faults in a way where they actually realize that they’re faults.

Anyways, the point is.  A thought fluttered through my mind as the PBR can hit my lips and it seemed foreign.  So foreign that I’m writing about it.  I realized it was the first real analyzation I’d made in a long time.  I thought a long time about why my normal conscious had taken a sabbatical. Then it hit me, before I analyzed all of those friends that surrounded me.  They fed my thoughts with a giant spoon full of problems, concerns, misbehaviors, antics etc.  I had a plethora of things to mull over outside of my own problems.  But since my migration west left behind all those friends, my spoon is empty.  I no longer have such close friends nearby to keep my mind reeling.  Lately it’s just been me in there, and apparently I’m boring as shit.

This all probably sounds really weird.  But I think part of having friends is the comfort you find in knowing just who they are.  And the only way to really know someone is to analyze them on every level.  It’s a mindful task that if you do it so often, you don’t even realize you’re doing it.  My lack of friends fired the lightbulb of realization, ” I analyze friends like crazy.”  It’s just another reason that I miss being surrounded by people I know, people I care about and people who I hope cared about me.  It’s all good though, this is my 10th move in my 22 years, so I can handle slowly rebuilding a store of friends, and with that, an excess of idiocies to feed my brain muscles.